This is TMI

[clareandromeda]

I can't sleep late on the first day of my vacation and 7 am is really too ungodly of an hour to do anything but surf the net.

So here's me
Clare, 26 born in the 'burbs, but I live in the Bronx. I am very happy here thank you very much and I do not "hear gunshots at night". I have access to a wonderful transportation system that in minutes can take me to everything manhattan has to offer, The Botanical Garden, The Bronx Zoo, Yankee stadium etc. I have plenty of parking and feel very safe in my neighborhood so don't talk bad about the Bronx in front of me

I am a massive Yankee fan; 81 game full season ticket holder. I make it to 40 plus games a year. I am also training at a boxing gym, wavering back and forth on entering an amateur competition (golden gloves).

I work in Connecticut as a Special Education teachers aide at a high school level. I work with the whole spectrum of students, low-functioning to aspergers. It is difficult but also amazingly rewarding.

The most defining issue in my life has been my health. I was sexually abused as a child and have post traumatic stress disorder as a result. I suppressed this for years, when I finally "remembered" (when I was 17) I attempted suicide. I'm getting ahead of myself, I was diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder at 15 and was hospitalized for this. Since that first hospitalization I have been hospitalized 5 more times (the last time March of this year). Because on top of my mood disorder and PTSD (I was retraumatized at 18 when I was raped) I have a panic disorder and OCD.

3 years ago I developed Fibromyalgia (a pain disorder which is common in PTSD patients). I was in pain all the time. I have managed Fibromyalgia symptons by exercisizing, and occasional periods of intensive anti-inflammitories. I was doing ok until about a year ago when I began to feel depressed. After 10 years on prozac it basically stopped "working" After about 9 months of medication adjustment (that was fun) I was put on a new antidepressant.

Around the same time I developed severe uncontrollable vertigo. I was unable to drive to work and was out on disablilty for 3 months. Eventually I was diagnosed with Meniere's disease (a balance disorder). At the same time I had a bad reaction to the new antidepressant (Lexapro) and had to be hospitialized again to go off of Lexapro quickly and to stabilize on a new medicine. Since then my mood and anxiety disorders are under control due to therapy and medication. I still struggle with my Meniere's. Luckily episodes are not as severe and are much shorter due to (another) medication and a low sodium diet.

I just found out last week that recent blood work showed that I have an over active thyroid, still waiting on tests about that. If it is an issue another pill a day is no problem for me (heck I already take 15 pills a day).

I am also a recovering alcoholic (you would drink too with all my problems). I've been sober for 6 months and I have become obsessed with tea due to a need for distraction from my problems and an obsession with healthiness. Since I'm medicated for OCD I don't go too overboard... but like most things, medication doesn't solve problems, just makes them more manageable.

Why did I share all that? I am not looking for pity, getting caught up in feeling sorry for oneself is the worst thing a person could do. I suppose just the anonymity of the internet can be cathartic. That is me wart(ssssssss) and all

Hola!

[Geekgirl]

CA, Teachat posts are indexed on search engines. I understand the compulsion to "overshare," but this might be way more oversharing than you considered at 1 am last night, or whenever you sleeplessly posted this.

I'm sorry you have had such troubles, but leaving this here could potentially add to your burden, cathartic though it may have been to write it.

edit: sorry, first thing in the morning. I get my time zones flipped around.

[Chip]

Welcome to the forum, Clare. Even Yankee fans are welcome here.

[Rich Perry]

Clare, welcome. I have a lot of friends who are dealing with similar issues, so I can really empathize with you. I think that you have a lot of courage. I'm glad that you shared with us.

[Herb_Master]

wow! Such a huge list of obstacles to overcome, but what a great enthusiasm for life that you seem to put over! Glad to have you amongst us, brigthening our days with your posts!

[Trey Winston]

Glad to have you amongst us, brigthening our days with your posts!

+1

[olivierco]

Bienvenue.

I wonder however whether a tea forum is an adequate place for such a post, especially without almost anything about tea.

[sriracha]

Hola!

¡Hola guapa!

Feels a little weird to welcome someone who registered before I did but anyway, welcome!
You seem to be very, very strong-despite all that's happened to you, you are here.

I have Ménières running in my family on my mother's side...I had a lot of attacks when I was a kid but it's gotten better with age. I hope yours will lessen with time. =)

Again, welcome and I wish you many enjoyable times to come, with tea, on the forums. =)

[clareandromeda]

I understand why many of you are upset by the story of my life (or have expressed that to others). It is pretty upsetting. But my reality is similar to many other peoples, and just by wishing us not to tell our story, doesn't mean that we stop living with our challenges.

I have no fear of being "found out". I am not ashamed of who I am, and in my daily life I am completely open about myself and my experiences. I think that the things we keep hidden are the things that shape us the most.

Whenever I share the details of my life people want me to not say anymore, they don't want to hear it. I wish I had that luxury.

Never one to court controversy (ok, well in trying to avoid further controversy) I would like to profoundly thank those of you who found the positive message in my post. The mods may lock this thread, delete it, whatever is best for the community as a whole.

There is something about my nature that offends some people and causes them to react to me negatively. This is something that has always puzzled and upset me, but I have come to grips with. I by no means meant to make a huge hullabaloo. Those of you who are offended and upset (or whatever negative reaction your experiencing) probably don't believe this, but it is true. Sometimes I forget that other people are living in completely different worlds (this is something everyones guilty of). I forgot that who I am, me, is somehow upsetting or controversial.

soooo...sorry, thank you, and don't worry...

[Geekgirl]

just by wishing us not to tell our story, ...

Whenever I share the details of my life people want me to not say anymore, they don't want to hear it. I wish I had that luxury...

Those of you who are offended and upset (or whatever negative reaction your experiencing)...

I forgot that who I am, me, is somehow upsetting or controversial...

soooo...sorry, thank you, and don't worry...

Clare,

My concern was not in the wish to shut you down, or get you to bury your story, but out of concern that your boundaries and choice of venue might be a bit inappropriate. I'm certain you have at some point discussed boundary issues with a counselor, as assault survivors often must take great pains to learn or relearn when and where it is appropriate to share these types of experiences and life history.

It's admirable that you have found a point in your life where you do not have to hide the experiences that make up who you are. At the risk of being insensitive, and coming across as being offended, I would venture to suggest that a lighthearted, public, topical and social venue is not the appropriate place to announce that you are a CSA and rape survivor.

While you may receive sympathy here, it is not a place that can or will deliver actual support, thus any such declarations are of dubious value, and may possibly even be to your detriment in trying to determine appropriate boundaries.

It is not that we lack compassion, and it is not that any of us (including me) wish to sweep a very real and widespread issue under rugs; it is that balance and wisdom might indicate that this particular public setting may not be the place for deeply personal, traumatic revelations.

[clareandromeda]

GeekGirl well said.

Every person has unique wisdom and I thank you for sharing some of yours with me. You def. made some good points.

In the end nothing is "black and white", and boundaries are subjective.

I am notorious for not having a "filter". In my opinion people should "filter" less.

Lets leave it at that.

Thanks

[Intuit]

PMed you.

[Janine]

Hi Clare - best wishes and peace.

I just got through posting in the "cha qi" thread about the mood elevation I've experienced from good tea. May you be blessed with that kind of serenity and hope - and find some solace in wonderful teas!

I have also practiced a form of meditation for over 30 years. Mine has a certain spiritual orientation but can be adapted by anyone. If you're interested, PM me.

[sneakers]

Clare, would you like top share some experiences with tea?

[Intuit]

PMed you, Clare.